Postpartum Doesn't Always Look How You Expect

Content note: This post discusses severe postpartum mental health struggles, including intrusive thoughts. Reader discretion advised.)

I thought I knew what postpartum would look like.

What I didn’t expect was how extreme it could become - or how terrifying it feels when your own mind turns against you.

After my oldest son was born, postpartum didn’t show up as “baby blues.” It came as overwhelming fear, intrusive thoughts I didn’t want, and a constant sense that I couldn’t trust my own brain. I loved my baby deeply - and that’s exactly why it was so frightening.

The thoughts were unwanted and horrifying. They didn’t reflect my intentions or who I am, but they came anyway, uninvited and relentless. I was terrified of them. Terrified of myself. Terrified of being alone with my baby, not because I wanted to hurt him - but because my mind wouldn’t stop betraying me.

That’s something people don’t talk about enough.

A tender moment of vulnerability: an exhausted mother finds solace in holding her sleeping baby close.

When Your Body Fights Against You

I didn’t want to stop breastfeeding, and that complicated everything. Medication options were limited, and when I tried one that was considered safe, it caused hallucinations that made things worse. Walking to clear my mind -something people often suggest - wasn’t simple either. I couldn’t always trust myself to be alone during that season.

So I did the only thing I could do at the time.

I survived it.

I rode it out minute by minute, day by day, while my body and mind slowly found their way back to each other. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life -not because I wanted to die or hurt my child, but because I didn’t feel in control of my own thoughts.

That distinction matters.

Intrusive Thoughts Not Desires

This is important to say clearly: intrusive thoughts are not wants. They are symptoms. They are fear-based, ego-dystonic, and deeply distressing -especially to loving parents. The fact that they terrified me is proof of who I am, not a reflection of something dark inside me.

Postpartum mental illness doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like fear. Sometimes it looks like hypervigilance. Sometimes it looks like silently holding on because you’re scared to say the words out loud. Don't be afraid to say it out loud. Ask for help. Seek treatment. This is a normal part of becoming a mom, and you don't have to be ashamed. I know I was. I sought treatment and was comforted in being told, "You are not a bad mom, the fact that you are here proves that." That one sentence gave me strength in a time I felt my weakest.

Carrying That Fear Forward

When I became pregnant again -and later had two babies close together - the fear didn’t disappear. I was scared it would happen again. That I’d be pulled back into that place.

Currently, I'm breastfeeding my five-month-old and gradually reducing my depression medication (which has been effective this time). I won't claim it's easy. There's anxiety and challenging days. However, there's also awareness, support, and the understanding that I've overcome this before and I'm not alone now. I’m not afraid to admit when I need help and feel overwhelmed. Battling my body is a struggle I can't face alone.

Why I'm Sharing This

I’m sharing because someone reading this might be silently terrified, just like I was.

If that’s you, please hear this:

    •    You are not broken

    •    You are not dangerous

    •    You are not a bad mother

    •    And you are not alone

Postpartum mental health struggles can be intense, confusing, and frightening - but they are treatable, survivable, and not a reflection of your love or your worth.

And if today all you can do is keep yourself and your baby safe and fed , that is more than enough

If you’re in a postpartum season right now or looking back on one- and something feels off, please know this:

You’re not weak.

You’re not failing.

You’re not doing motherhood wrong.

Postpartum doesn’t always look how you expect, and struggling doesn’t mean you love your baby any less. It just means you’re human.

And if today all you can manage is feeding yourself, feeding your kids, and getting through the day that’s enough.

You’re not alone here 🤍

A Gentle Note

This post reflects my personal experience and is not medical advice. If you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, or thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, support is available and can make a difference.

If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

If you’re elsewhere, local emergency services or a trusted healthcare provider can help connect you to support.

Check out my Mom's Survival Kit page for things that help me make mom life a little easier.